


RC #227 Mission #11: Snake Eyes (Original)

by SkarmorySilver



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Baleful Polymorph, Canon derailment, Out of Character, Out of Continuity, PPC Mission, Sporking - Freeform, Transformation, WTF, badfic, character replacement, move along nothing to see here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 05:16:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14730666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: In which a supernatural school is supposedly subjugated by sapient Suvian serpents.(Original version uploaded for archiving purposes; this mission is temporarily out-of-continuity and currently being rewritten.)





	RC #227 Mission #11: Snake Eyes (Original)

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. The _Pokémon_ franchise (Falchion’s home continuum) belongs to Nintendo, Satoshi Tajiri and Game Freak. _Jurassic Park_ (Ripper’s home continuum) belongs to Universal Pictures and Michael Crichton. _Harry Potter_ belongs to J. K. Rowling. Agents Falchion and Velociripper belong to me.  
>  The fic being sporked, [""](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1485551/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Gift_of_the_Basilisk), belongs to [Time Jumper](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/179403/Time-Jumper), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:** Voyd, Omega, and SMF.
> 
> \- **Rating:** T/PG-13 - Snake? SNAKE! SNAAAAAAKE!!!
> 
> \- **Original Posting Date:** May 28, 2015
> 
> \- **Note:** This mission is currently being re-written. The original (out-of-continuity) version is shown below, with the Google Docs link also provided; the updated version will be uploaded here once it is complete and posted on the Board.
> 
> \- [Original Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EdHOXAY1TlU4k6aRlDMt_buQi9DG1rpRtOaQP8Bca_k/edit)  
> 

Cover Illustration:  [ Potterpourri 55 ](http://chepseh.deviantart.com/art/Potterpourri-55-263489535) by  [ Chepseh ](http://chepseh.deviantart.com/)

 

 

> “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
> 
> — Albus Dumbledore,  _ Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets _ (1998)

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

“She’s not coming back, isn’t she?”

Despite the constant generic environmental noise, Ripper’s question seemed to echo throughout RC #227.

Falchion looked up from his nest, staring off into space. “She might. I hope she does.”

“It feels… strange, not having the alpha in our midst,” said the red-feathered  _ Deinonychus _ , returning to his rearrangement of the various trophies in his bower. “Like we don’t have anyone anymore who exerts a sense of… control.”

The Skarmory agent, who had been sitting on his nest for a full hour, looked at him with a puzzled expression. “Ripper, there wasn’t a pack hierarchy to begin with when I joined. It was just me and Rosie, no more, no less. And then you came in and made a crowd. Sort of. But not a pack.”

“I always thought our cooperation was opportunistic,” said Ripper. “We would work together to bring down a dangerous prey animal without much coordination. Is that how most PPC hunts go?”

“If they went like that all the time, the multiverse would be overrun with Sues. It takes more than base instinct to kill a badfic.”

“Was that true with the ill-fated mission Rashida spoke of? The one that your friend told you about?”

Falchion paused. “I… I don’t know. I never got to know anything aside from what Rosie and Rayner told me. It’s been kept under wraps since it happened. But I’m certain she’ll recover.”

“But what if we get a mission before she does? We’ll have to work without her.”

The Skarmory’s head drooped. “You’re right,” he said. “It’ll happen. Eventually.”

For several long moments, all was silent in the RC.

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]**

“See? Perfect timing,” said Ripper, striding over to the console. Tapping the red button with the tip of his snout, he read the report, cocking his head curiously.

“What now?” asked Falchion, tucking his head under his wing.

“Remember when you took me on my first training mission, the one with Rina and Randa? Rina told me that I needed to read the  _ Harry Potter _ books, which I believe was in the context of one of the replacements using a magic kit…”

Falchion looked up, his eyes wide. “We’re going into the  _ Harry Potter _ continuum, aren’t we?”

“Yes, but one question… Is the ‘Gift of the Basilisk’ canon, or –”

Falchion snapped his head up with a screech of alarm, leaped out of his nest, and ran over to the console, forcing Ripper to jump aside. He read the report, his beak hanging open. “Oh,  _ flock _ ,” he gasped. “They replaced the  _ Basilisk _ , of all things?! And she… WHAT?! Who in the name of Arceus’ majestic hat hair had the brazen _ balls _ to sift through this guano-fest?!”

“The Basilisk is a canonical creature, isn’t it?” asked Ripper. “There was one mentioned in my aforementioned training mission, but it wasn’t significant…”

“It’s indeed canonical, and it’s basically very,  _ very _ bad news in physical form,” said Falchion, practically hammering the keyboard with his beak like an overcaffeinated woodpecker as he programmed the disguises. “Do you have any Muggle-use wands handy? We’ll need them. And a mirror, in case things get nasty.”

Ripper perked up for a moment. “There were some strange-looking branches I found while looking around the RC a while ago. I put them in my den… Those must be them, right?”

“Eeyup. And bring the Tau Cannon, too. Harry killed the Basilisk using the Sword of Gryffindor, and we’ll need something just as powerful to take it down.”

“We’ll have to disguise that too, though. Wouldn’t Rashida know better about this than you do?”

Falchion stopped, his gaze becoming mournful. “She’s not here, and I get the feeling that she won’t be until long after we’re done with this mission,” he said. “So I’ll have to handle things myself, apparently. You’ll have to back me up, though – I’m not fond of being responsible.”

“But you’ve read the books, judging from the way you reacted. That should help, right?”

“Cover-to-cover, one to seven. Got the wands yet?”

The  _ Deinonychus _ emerged from his lair, gingerly holding two large sticks in his mouth. He nodded, a Bag of Holding dangling from his neck.

Falchion finished programming the disguises and opened the portal into the badfic. “Looks like I’ll have to take point, again,” he sighed. “At least I have some experience there.”

“And you have me, don’t forget that,” Ripper added through his clenched teeth, his mouth still carrying the wands.

“Heh, yeah, I guess that helps, too,” the Skarmory replied. With that, the two feathered agents stepped through the portal, which promptly closed behind them.

 

**********

 

It was silent in the RC for quite some time.  The minis in the RC went about their business – that is, until a blocky green creature with a diamond helmet and eight books in his inventory appeared in the main room.

Salvo checked the console, his trademark scowl twisting even harder.

“Oh,  _ blocks _ , they’re already gone?!” he hissed. “Drat! I suppose I should leave these here and teleport back to the DIA, then. I hope they know to pick them up when they get back…”

 

********************

 

**Act One**

  * Soundtrack: [_Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets_ – “The Spiders”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53YeC6bYH0)



 

Two Asian wizards emerged into the pre-fic space, one black-haired Ravenclaw and one auburn Slytherin. Ripper was still holding the Muggle-use wands in his mouth, so he spit them out onto his hands and passed one of them to his partner, just in time for them to hear the Author’s Note.

 

> **This is a first for me. Writing my thoughts before the story. Though I think this is good idea up into a certain extent. At least you can get to know me a little better. Other authors tend to put reviews they want to answer before the story but... It kind of makes things a little difficult to navigate the chapter. That's why I won't keep you long with this chapter. This first chapter is an introduction because it tells what happens in the chamber first. I will go into details here as well.**

 

Falchion adjusted his glasses with a scowl on his face. “But… But reviews are  _ exactly _ what we need to write good stories! There’s a  _ reason _ it’s called constructive criticism!”

“I think the author is referring to putting Author’s Notes before the chapter and not after,” said Ripper. “Some Suethors like to do that. It all comes down to preference and style.”

“…Huh. Okay, then!”

 

> **As you may have noticed the title... this is about receiving a gift from the Basilisk in the most oddest of ways possible. Will this gift be a curse in the war against Voldemort or will it be an advantage? You won't know till you read.**
> 
> **Don't forget to review to tell me what you think. Tell me if I should continue!**

 

“No, you shouldn’t,” said Falchion.

“I’m pretty sure it will be a curse,” said Ripper. “And a fatal one to us if we aren’t careful. I’ve heard that hunting Basilisks is incredibly dangerous.”

“You don’t even know the half of it, bro,” Falchion grumbled. “Just looking into the eyes of one of those things basically counts as a OHKO. Except instead of fainting, you  _ die. _ ”

“But what if the Basilisk looks at its own reflection? Is that why we brought the mirror?”

“More or less.”

The agents skipped past some additional Author’s Notes, explaining how the speech worked in the badfic:  **'...' Snake speaking and snake speech** ,  **"..." regular speech** , and  **... mind speech or speaking one's mind** .

“At least we’ll know how they’ll be communicating,” said Ripper.

“Shhh, it’s starting!” Falchion replied.

 

> **Introduction: How it all began**
> 
> **Harry POV**
> 
> **I thought that I was going to die when I accidentally looked at the basilisk in the chamber. The Chamber of Secrets more exactly. Well I didn't have much choice. When I had tripped I found myself trying to stay upright but instead I found myself on my back. Something happened that changed everything I knew. I doubt I will ever be the same again.**

 

The scene formed around the agents, who found themselves in the dank, smelly, and very wet Chamber of Secrets. There was Harry, and rearing before him was the gigantic green serpent. The agents ran for cover, daring not to look into its yellow eyes.

Ripper sniffed instinctively. “There is something very, very wrong with this canon.”

“Tell me something I  _ don’t _ know,” said Falchion. “Harry didn’t look into the Basilisk’s eyes even  _ once  _ in the books! Fawkes took out its vision before he could do that! And furthermore, the Basilisk’s stare kills  _ instantly. _ Harry shouldn’t be dying a prolonged death…”

 

> **Basilisk POV**

 

The agents were jolted by the sudden POV shift, but that was nothing compared to the next few paragraphs…

 

> **'Kill' The basilisk yelled out. When she finally gazed at the boy something happened. In his eyes she saw something. She saw his life flash before her eyes. She saw everything.**
> 
> **Her master had caused him to loose his parents and worse still was how he had lived with his Aunt and Uncle not to mention his cousin Dudley. He had lived in a cupboard for eleven years and didn't even know about the Wizarding World till Hagrid the Giant came for him.**
> 
> **'No!' She moved quickly and the boy was leaning up against her body. He wasn't completely dead yet. She sighed. But I think it wise that I save him completely from danger. I will give him something I dared not give my master. I will give him a life.**

 

The agents stared at each other, horror-stricken.

“Replacements. Both of them. Totally calling it,” said Falchion.

“Is Basilisk meat edible? I’d like to sample it once we’re done with this mission,” said Ripper.

“I’m not sure,” said Falchion. “But whatever the case, if we can get through this mission in one piece, I’m pretty sure the DMSE&R would love to have a ton of new samples of Basilisk venom.”

“I’d ask if it works against Sues, but this Basilisk  _ is _ a Suvian replacement, and it seems to be unaffected,” said Ripper. “It would be worth waiting to see what happens.”

“Seems fair.”

Another POV shift jolted the agents again. They were then treated to the sight of the Basilisk giving Harry mouth-to-mouth, upon which the latter floated into the air, his body starting to glow and then  _ stretch  _ like a wad of Silly Putty.

Ripper suddenly caught the scent of smoke, and frantically reached into the Bag of Holding he’d brought with him. The C-CAD had started smoldering.

Falchion facepalmed. “Just one chapter in and the canon has been completely and utterly disemboweled,” he groaned. “I’m willing to bet that this is a crackfic.”

“Judging from your tone, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was,” said Ripper.

Harry continued to transform, his limbs shrinking and his torso and head lengthening. The agents kept their eyes down, observing the shadows on the floor.

Another POV shift, back into third person, shook the chamber again. Falchion had to hold on a little tighter to the column the agents had been hiding behind to avoid getting floored.

 

> **'My! My! You certainly have changed. Why don't you look in the mirror of water near the statue of Salazar Slytherin.' The basilisk said.**
> 
> **'What do you mean? I have changed, but . . .' Harry couldn't help but ask.**
> 
> **'Just go and look.' Harry looked at her and realized something. He turned his head to survey his body.**
> 
> **'I . . .I . . .' For the first time in his life he felt hopeless. It really wasn't the first time but he still felt it.**

 

“You’re just  _ asking _ to die, at least if the myths are correct,” said Falchion.

“Wait, are you implying that a basilisk can be killed by staring into its own reflection?” asked Ripper.

Falchion paused, not knowing what to say. Before them, Tom Riddle protested Harry’s change, and then Not!Harry realized that he’d forgotten about Ginny, complete with yet another POV shift that jolted the Word World.

Not!Harry loomed over Ginny, who woke up and… asked why she wasn’t dead.

Falchion started chattering his teeth like a stork’s bill. “You know how I said that the Basilisk’s stare kills  _ instantly _ ? Well, Harry  _ hasn’t _ been turned into a Basilisk  _ at all.  _ That’s  _ not _ how the gaze works, for Arceus’ sake!”

“So much for canonical consistency,” said Ripper.

“And to answer your question, I’m working with the medieval manuscripts and not the actual HP canon. Rowling didn’t say whether you really could turn the Basilisk’s gaze against itself.”

“Rowling?”

“The author of the  _ Harry Potter _ books. Geez, bro, you need to get out more.”

“I hunt. Does that help?”

“Nope, sorry. Nice try, though.”

 

> **'When I had looked into your eyes I saw your life as it had been. I saw what my previous master had done to you. I wanted to make it up to you. There was only one solution. I would have to become a mother to you. I gave you the gift to become a basilisk. The ability to speak to snakes was solidified so that you wouldn't have to use my previous masters power but rather your own. On top of it all you are now considered a King because of being a basilisk. I hope you don't mind me adopting you, Harry.' The basilisk said.**

 

Falchion retched and did a spit-take even though he hadn’t drank anything. Ripper shook his head in disgust as well, though he didn’t imitate his partner.

“What is that strange flavor I’m tasting?” the raptor agent asked in confusion.

“Fake sugar,” said Falchion. “I’ve experienced it before. When cliched dialogue goes bad, basically.”

“I’m more concerned about the Basilisk adopting Harry, honestly.”

“Tell me about it.”

 

> **'How are you going to adopt me? I don't want to sound rude or anything. In fact I think it would be great. For a long time I have wanted someone who I could look up to. I wanted a parent but as you saw my Aunt and Uncle aren't very loving.' I asked. I found myself lowering my head as I spoke. I lifted my head when she spoke.**
> 
> **'First, my name is Maneerra. Second, I can change myself to be human so that I can walk among them. Third, don't think yourself rude because your not. It's perfectly healthy to ask questions. You can change to be human as well all right.'**

 

Ripper made a rasping noise in his throat as though to indicate a bemused and slightly offended tone. “There was no doubt that she was unfit for survival to begin with,” he muttered.

Falchion was visibly shaking by this point, and what happened next only added to his righteous fury.

 

> **'Maneerra, do you know how I can change back? I don't know how.' I asked my soon to be mother. She laughed.**
> 
> **'Think about what you looked like and will yourself to change. Here, I'll do myself first.'**
> 
> **Maneerra moved away and closed her eyes. A beautiful greenish light shone and the basilisk began shrinking and changing. Arms and Legs grew in the appropriate spots as she shrank till she was the height of an average human. Of course she had curves to accommodate her gender.**
> 
> **Her hair was a dark green that was almost black. Her eyes were yellow and bright with excitement. She was also of average height that was above five feet. Slim but not petite she looked at me and Ginny and smiled. She however was lacking anything of clothing. I found myself getting red in the face from looking. Ginny had got up from her position on the floor and seemingly took off her cloak.**

 

The Chamber of Secrets was usually a silent, secluded place, so it took Falchion a lot of effort to keep from losing it completely. He had to turn away and cover his face with both hands, ignoring the fact that his glasses were in the way.

“I can understand snakes shedding their skin,” said Ripper, “but I’m not sure if it is acceptable within human society to do the same thing. They don’t outgrow their old skin layers the way reptiles do.”

“I take it you read the report, right?” the Skarmory asked through his fingers. “How many more chapters are there?”

Ripper thought about it for a moment. “There are nine in total,” he said finally. “Which means there are eight more chapters to scout through…”

Falchion silently took out the RA, portaled all the way to the Forest of Dean, and let out a scream that he swore could be heard from miles away. Then he portaled back to the Chamber of Secrets and buried his face in his partner’s shoulder.

“That bad?” asked Ripper.

The disguised Skarmory didn’t respond, nor was any response necessary.

 

> **"It's simple really. I didn't have anything on when I was transformed into a basilisk." Maneerra said.**
> 
> **"Someone turned you into a basilisk! Did Salazar . . ." Harry inquired. Maneerra shook her head at Harry.**
> 
> **"No, it wasn't him. You forget Salazar made the chamber and brought me here. Godric Gryphandor is to blame for my being turned into a basilisk." Maneerra stopped and turned**
> 
> **to the statue that held her chamber where she had been for a very long time.**
> 
> **"Why? Godric couldn't have . . ." Harry said.**
> 
> **"Oh but he did and all because I couldn't love him the same way he loved me. I wish not to talk anymore about this. Someday I will tell you but not now. We have to get out of the chamber before . . ."**

 

Ripper suddenly felt something on his leg, and looked down to see a very large spider attempting to crawl onto his pants. Startled, the disguised  _ Deinonychus  _ kicked out and flipped  **Gryphandor** the mini-Acromantula over onto its back.

“Ruuuudeses, agentses!” it hissed, its many legs flailing about in an effort to right itself.

Falchion held up the RA, his face twisted into a snarl. “Aaand that’s enough Tauros-crap for today,” he hissed through his clenched teeth.

“Are we going back to RC so soon?” Ripper asked incredulously. “We haven’t even brought down our prey yet.”

“We’re off to the next chapter, actually. This one ends shortly with the replacements trying to escape the Chamber. Dementors show up at the start of the next one. Then there’s a flashback to a prophecy shared among the Hogwarts founders…”

“She existed since the school was seeded?” Ripper asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Unfortunately, yes. Armor Bird to Red Raptor, confirm new directive, over,” Falchion said in a voice like a fighter pilot speaking into a walkie-talkie. “Initiating pursuit of targets Snek One and Snek Two.”

The raptor-turned-human looked at his partner with a completely bewildered look on his face. There were some questions about his author’s current persona he could never find answers for.

Instead of responding to the disguised Steel-type, however, Ripper picked Gryphandor up and flipped it back upright, at which it tried to scuttle away, hissing frantically. “We hatessssses snakeses! We do not speakses of snakesessss!”

The two agents and the mini passed by the flashback, in which Salazar Slytherin declared that  **All things will once again be set right at the coming of the one true, King Basilisk** (“Three guesses as to who that’ll be, and the first two don’t count,” Falchion grumbled), and landed in the Hogwarts hospital wing. Albus was talking to Not!Harry, who was lying in one of the beds. The replacement panicked at the thought of being forced to confess about what really happened to Slytherin’s Monster, but then Snape arrived. The canonical Potions teacher swiftly began arguing with Not!Harry, earning a snicker from one disguised Steel-type lurking in the far corner of the room.

“Looks like everybody’s been Suefluenced to no end,” said Falchion. “Even  _ Snape _ is being a heck of a lot nicer to Snek Two than he should be.”

“Snek Two? Why do you refer to that imposter as Snek Two? And who is Snek One?”

“Look, saying Maneerra’s name is leaving a sour taste in my beak already, so she’s Snek One until further notice. Not!Harry is Snek Two because he was converted long after she was.”

“What’s a Snek, anyway?”

Falchion sighed and wiped a random fleck of dirt off his robes. “It’s a humorous misspelling of ‘snake’ that pops up on the Internet every once in a while. I thought it would be a fitting euphemism for, y’know, these  _ great big flocking serpents that can literally kill you in the blink of an eye. _ ”

“And you take them that lightly?”

“Hey, agents mock ridiculously overpowered Mary Sues all the time. This really isn’t that different.”

“Between your logic and our author’s treatment of me back in my homefic, I am seriously beginning to question his sensibility.”

“Just because he was a selfish asshat back  _ then  _ doesn’t mean he is one  _ now _ . Just saying.”

“I know, but  _ still… _ ”

“Can we get back to tracking Snek Two? This chapter’s pretty much over, and surprisingly quickly at that.”

Ripper nodded and followed his partner through the next portal, skipping past the next Author’s Note in the process.

 

> **Harry POV**
> 
> **I was having a nice conversation with my professor when the very reason I had decided on Gryffindor came waltzing into the room.**
> 
> **"Malfoy! What are you doing here?"** asked Harry.
> 
> **"For your information I was here looking for my Head of House because I have some urgent news for him. I had hoped to not see your ugly face but, seeing as how you are the dumbest person in the school it really shouldn't even surprise me."** said Draco.
> 
> **"Mr. Malfoy! Such conduct is not becoming of a Malfoy. I think thirty points from your house and detention with me at eight o' clock sharp should suffice. As for the urgent news, let's hear it." Malfoy stuttered a bit before he finally said his peace.**

 

Malfoy was the one who had stuttered that last line, not Snape. The agents exchanged glances. Gryphandor huddled uncomfortably close to Ripper’s back leg and clicked its sharp pincers.

 

> **"There is a riot in the Common Room. Everyone is outraged that there is to be a resorting of students from last year. Even I can't believe that I will be resorted as well. It's just simply outrageous. Please tell me it's not true, please!" Malfoy pleaded and I almost wanted to laugh because he was beginning to remind me of his victims. Here he was pleading just like all the others who had pleaded for him to stop picking on them.**

 

The C-CAD started to smolder again. The mini-Acromantula hissed at the scent of smoke, and Ripper hastily shoved the device back into his bag.

“Wow,” Falchion groaned, shaking his head slowly. “How many more canons is the Suefluence gonna effect?”

“If this contagion continues to spread, I would be surprised to see someone who  _ wasn’t _ afflicted,” said Ripper.

“I know one person who’d be partly resistant to it, actually. Ron Weasley, Harry’s best friend and Double Battle partner. Let’s just say that he’d be really protective of Harry if  _ anyone _ tried to court him. Even his own sister.”

“So if a potential mate wanted to breed with Harry, Ron would defend him first. And the female would try to get him out of the picture.”

“For someone who hasn’t read the novels in person (yet), you’re pretty good at spotting the pattern here.”

“Yet? You mean you want me to read the books after we’re done hunting?”

“Oh, yeah. You’ll need to be familiar with at least one of the staple fandoms of the PPC in order to survive.”

“What’s wrong with familiarity with fandoms that are less well-known?”

“Nothing, actually! But specialism in obscure works like Dante’s  _ Divine Comedy _ or something would lead to very few missions indeed. There haven’t been any badfics based on that work, and the only agent I know of who is derived from that continuum was involved in other works before she was conscripted. Her exact origin is where it gets technical.”

“But wasn’t she a Sue-wraith who was purified and turned into her own character?”

“If you’re not interested in looking into the details about her past, yes. But that’s not important right now.”

There was a brief moment of silence from the two agents. Many worlds away, the faint sound of an ex-Ficubus sneezing could be heard in the hallways of the DMS.

“So, how are the canons doing at the moment?” asked Ripper. “ _ What _ are the canons doing?”

“Aside from the obvious?” replied Falchion. “Well, they’re talking about the Dementors now. They’re not supposed to know about those until  _ Prisoner of Azkaban _ . Heck, the Dementors weren’t even  _ mentioned  _ until then, because they were guarding Azkaban until Sirius Black escaped!”

“Was Sirius an antagonist?”

Falchion facepalmed. “Oh, man… I forgot you haven’t read the books yet. Basically, the poor guy was jailed for a crime he didn’t commit, and then escaped, befriended Harry, and… well, I’m torn between helping you out on this mission or spoiling you, because the last three books get  _ really _ crazy.”

“I’ll take your word for it. Was this fic written before their release?”

Falchion checked the Words. “It was published in 2003 and last updated in 2005. Which places just after  _ Half-Blood Prince _ , I think.”

The agents were interrupted by the arrival of a now un-petrified Hermione, and a worried Ron.

“This scene ends here,” said Falchion. “We’d better get to the next part before another scene shift catches us.”

Ripper nodded in agreement, and followed the disguised Skarmory through the next portal – but not before letting the mini into his bag for safe-keeping. It’s best not to ask how it fit in there.

 

> **Hogwart's Feasting Room** **_LunchTime_ **
> 
> **Harry POV**
> 
> **I sat at the Gryffindor table before Ron and Hermione could but I saved a spot for both of them. There seemed to be empty spots for some reason or other. It could be because of the resorting that some students don't want to come out of their house common room for fear of leaving it forever. Gulp!**
> 
> **I . . . I don't think I want to be in Slytherin. I know its not supposed to be bad a house but . . . everyone seems to agree that more wizards and witches come out evil in that house. What if I am put in Slytherin? Please, no!**
> 
> **"Hey, Harry, what's wrong? You look like something's bothering you." Hermione said to me. I realized then that I would have to play happy and worry later.**
> 
> **"I'm fine. It's just that I heard that there is going to be a resorting for those who started last year."**

 

The suddenly ravenous agents sat down at the far end of the Ravenclaw table, watching the Words for their conversation. Ripper helped himself to roast beef and lamb, and Falchion tore into some chicken legs and British chips (a.k.a. French fries) with ketchup.

“Nobody wants to be in Slytherin, apparently,” said Ripper.

“With one exception,” added Falchion, nudging his shoulder. “How’s the food?”

“It’s a nice change from live prey, honestly. I’m not sure why humans cook their meals, but if their digestive systems are more vulnerable to infection than ours, some precautions are understandable.”

“I’m fond of the taste myself,” the disguised Skarmory replied, licking his fingers. “Wait, what’s Snape doing over there?”

Ripper looked up from his meal, just in time to notice the Potions teacher talking to Harry. There had been no mention at all that he’d left the staff table to see him.

“He seems… unwell,” he said, sniffing idly. “What is his relationship with Harry in canon? Animosity?”

“Yeah,” replied Falchion, before downing three chips in a single bite. “Harry’s relationship with his Potions professor was really rocky until the last book. Snape always complained that Harry reminded him of his father, which he despised ever since they’d squared while they were still students.”

“But if that’s the case, then why is he more respectful to Harry now?”

“He’s not respectful to Harry. He  _ is _ , however, respectful to Snek Two, and I think we all know why that’s the case.”

“…Oh, right. I forgot that  _ this _ Harry was an imposter.”

“For so much smarts, so much stupidity,” Falchion laughed, pressing a greasy hand to his forehead.

Ripper glared at him. Before he could respond, however, Snek Two had gotten up and headed out of the Great Hall – sorry, the “Feasting Room”.

The agents quickly finished their meal and got up to follow him. By the time they did, he was at the Headmaster’s Office, whining about how awful his life was.

Predictably, he finished off by bawling into his hands. The agents were not, however, prepared for the appearance of Fawkes, the phoenix…

 

> **Please young King, do not weep. Your time will come when all things are once again restored and balance you will be between light and dark. Wipe those tears away for the time is now to plan and prepare for the future. Remember my words and you shall not fall. Fawkes flew then from my shoulder to her perch near the Headmasters desk.**
> 
> **The Headmaster who had looked as if he had aged now wore a twinkle in his eye. He was obviously planning something.**
> 
> **"As I understand it. Phoenix's always know if someone is of ill heart. For her to come to you and comfort your weary shoulder is a sign that I truly can trust you with your new power."**

 

“Um, Falchion? Are you all right?” asked Ripper. “You’re shaking uncontrollably.”

Sure enough, the disguised Skarmory was trembling, his hands balled into fists and his knuckles turning bone-white.

“Of  _ course _ he would be the Basilisk King,” Falchion hissed through clenched teeth.

Dumbledore then tried to comfort Harry, and briefly mentioned Animagi and how Voldemort was one. Falchion facepalmed once again.

“Voldemort never  _ once  _ transformed into an animal,” he said angrily. “The whole deal about the snake he has on him is because he has a  _ pet _ snake. And as for proper Animagi, it takes at least a  _ month _ to prepare for such a transformation! You can’t just get magical powers and a new form in an instant!”

“I thought the reverse scenario was applicable in my case,” said Ripper. “Then again, I was born with the ability to transform into a human, and I lost that ability after you tried to feed me to a certain sea reptile.”

“Seriously? I already apologized to you for that!”

“Yes, and we will  _ never _ speak of it again. Anyway, my transformation ability was the result of a lot of genetic tinkering on the part of my creators, and unlike in the case of this ‘Snek Two’, it certainly wasn’t a case of instant gratification. I must also add that it was illegal, in no small part because I was raised as an eco-terrorist weapon. Which reminds me – do you also need a license to become an Animagus?”

“You don’t  _ need _ one necessarily, but you need registration in order for you to use that skill without getting in trouble with the law.”

Ripper shook his head. “Apparently, I really do need to read those books. They sound fascinating.”

“Yeah, but they don’t have dinosaurs,” Falchion teased.

Ripper ignored him. “Where is the next scene? Is there anything else we need to see in this chapter?”

Falchion held up the RA and entered the next set of coordinates. “Well, Snek Two gets caught in his new form by Mrs. McGonagall, and she takes him back to Dumbledore’s office. And then… Oh,  _ flock! _ ”

“What is it, brother?”

Falchion said nothing, but opened a portal and pushed Ripper through. They landed in Dumbledore’s office again, and this time, Snek Two and the headmaster were joined by McGonagall, Flitwick, and Snape.

There, one by one, they received a portion of Snek Two’s Basilisk magic. McGonagall and Flitwick remained unchanged, but Dumbledore and Snape were both transformed into Basilisks.

Falchion and Ripper both looked towards the floor. The Skarmory was quickly turning pale.

“I hope you have a remark about this that is more eloquent than mine,” said Ripper. “Do you have anything that can top the assertion that we’re dealing with an infestation?”

“Yes, actually,” Falchion replied. “Somebody call the conspiracy theorists! The sneople are invading!”

 

* * *

 

**Act Two**

  * Soundtrack: [_Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets_ – “Meeting Tom Riddle”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3w_5D_f8Ro)



 

> **Don't stop reading! It takes forever to put a chapter up because I read it over to make sure everything fit's. It's my way of proofreading even after using a spell­-check.**
> 
> **I would also like to give you some insight into this story as well. I know that some of you may be confused with the dementor's because that isn't supposed to happen until the third book. That is true. However I decided to add more to the Chamber of Secrets then what was mention by J.K. Rowling. Mind you this was inspired by a dream I had of the chamber. I won't go into details for that will be later in the story. Just know that Harry will get some training for these dementor's earlier then planned in the book.**

 

The agents stepped into Chapter Four, just in time to hear the Author’s Note blaring overhead.

“Does that really help? No, I think it doesn’t,” said Falchion. “Not only is there questionable spelling, but the very  _ concepts _ are so wrong that I can’t help but wonder if the author even  _ read  _ the books!”

The mini-Acromantula, Gryphandor, let out a hissing noise from inside Ripper’s bag.

“Before we left the previous chapter,” said Ripper, “you mentioned ‘sneople’... What are they, exactly?”

Falchion facepalmed and let out a chirruping laugh. “According to Ronaldo from  _ Steven Universe _ , ‘snake people, or sneople, control the government at the highest level’. I thought it was appropriate because we’re basically dealing with an invasion of the wizarding world’s equivalent of the Reptilians.”

“Reptilians? You don’t mean those sapient alien lizards that are rumored to take on the guise of people and infiltrate the world’s governments?”

“Correct. Hence, sneople.”

Ripper chuckled as well. “Makes sense to me, brother.”

Falchion gave the  _ Deinonychus _ agent a playful nudge in the shoulder and grinned at him.

With that, the agents forged on. They witnessed Snek Two get a rude awakening from Ron pouring iced water onto his face, Snek Two giving Ron rabbit’s ears, Snek Two having a falling out with Ron and exiting the castle, and Snek Two moping next to the Black Lake, and Snek Two getting caught in the rain and blacking out, in that order.

“Wangst  _ and _ Ron-bashing,” Falchion muttered. “Typical.”

“I can understand Ron’s constant rejection by sickened canons, but is the wangst common too?” asked Ripper.

“All the flocking time,” Falchion replied. “I know Harry gets pretty mopey in canon every once in a while, but come  _ on! _ ”

“Do we go back to the hospital wing now?” asked Ripper. “We need to keep track of the imposter. And everyone he has ‘converted’ as well.”

“Hmph.”

The agents portaled to the next scene, which consisted of Snek Two talking with Snape once again. As expected, the latter seemed to treat the former with an unusual amount of affection.

“The bastard usually gives preference to Malfoy and treats Harry like dirt,” said Falchion.

“We’ve seen this before, though,” said Ripper. “Does that mean we can skip this scene?”

“Not quite. There may still be more charges to pick up in this conversation.”

The agents listened to Snek Two confess about giving Ron rabbit ears, which Snape dismissed with unnatural casualness. And then…

 

> **"Potter why is that every time I see you your in the hospital wing?" Draco Malfoy walked in with a rather level head. In fact he looked a little like he was smug. He knew something, and it probably wasn't good news.**
> 
> **"What do you want, Malfoy!?" I asked him with a mocking voice. Professor Snape just raised his eyebrow at my tone.**
> 
> **"As much as I like pestering you Potter I have something to discuss with Professor Snape." Malfoy said in a tone that definitely mocked back.**
> 
> **"Malfoy! Why don't I ask you a question?! Why the heck are you always coming to see Professor Snape all the time?" I asked him in a tone of inquiry.**
> 
> **"Potter! If you had a brain you would have realized that he is also my Head of House. He is also the one person who has more brain then you will ever have had. Oh! Yeah, that's right. You don't have any brains. Professor . . ." Professor Snape had risen from his seat and was now looking down on Malfoy with hate filled eyes.**
> 
> **"Malfoy, how many times have I to give you detention. before you can learn true manners. Did your father teach you nonthing? I have to say that you are really getting on my bad side. I will write home to parents about your obvious back talking. You will report to Filch tonight after the resorting for your detention." If Draco Malfoy could have looked shock then now certainly showed.**

 

“Looks like the canon has been completely inverted,” said Falchion, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Does this mean Snape has been replaced?” Ripper asked.

“I wouldn’t be surprised at all by this point.”

“So that makes three replacements and counting. If we survive this mission, we may very well be dealing with a potential surplus in both victuals and reptile-derived commodities. For now, though, we’ll need to move on. The re-sorting was supposed to happen today, right?”

“Oh, goody.”

The agents moved back to the Great Hall, where they witnessed the students trying on the Sorting Hat, one by one. Snek Two got placed in Slytherin, Hermione in Ravenclaw, and after a POV shift that nearly knocked the agents out of their benches, Ron ended up being sorted in…

 

> **'UNDECIDED'**
> 
> **RON POV end**
> 
> **All four tables looked shocked. If it weren't for Hagrid leading Ron away everyone would have started a ruckus. In all the history surrounded by Hogwart's, nothing did it ever say about resorting or the hat ever calling out undecided. It left many wondering what would happen to Ronald Weasley.**

 

The chapter ended right then and there. Falchion sat there, almost motionless, while Ripper watched Hagrid and Ron depart.

“May I have the RA?” asked Ripper. “I believe we may need to continue tracking our prey… Not!Harry’s probably going to stay and get acclimated to his new home.”

Falchion silently handed Ripper the RA, his hand trembling.

The agents portaled into the start of Chapter Five, just in time to watch Snek Two freak out and rush out of the Great Hall to hide in the Owlery (referred to as the  **Owl Wing** here). Much to Falchion’s surprise, the next scene they portaled their way to took them away from the replacement, landing them in a different place entirely.

“What’s going on?!” cried Falchion. “There’s no sign of Snek Two!”

Ripper sniffed at the air, his lips curling back over his teeth a little. “Yes, but the smell of the Chamber of Secrets lingers. Could it be…?”

 

> **Maneerra POV**
> 
> **A women more ancient than even the wise Albus Dumbledor stretched and yawned from a long slumber. Blinking over-rested eyes she found herself bombarded by many questions.**
> 
> **"Who are you?"**
> 
> **"Where did you come from?"**
> 
> **"What is your name . . . ?"**
> 
> **"STOP!!" Maneerra yelled as she placed her hands over her ears in an effort to drown out the questions flying around the room. She had also closed her eyes but opened them as soon**
> 
> **as everyone in the room had stopped talking.**
> 
> **"One question at a time and I will try to answer them as best to my knowledge." Madam Pomphrey spoke first.**
> 
> **"I would like to know why your DNA tests show that you are not human?"**

 

Two more mini-Acromantulas, Dumbeldor and Pomphrey, scuttled over to the agents.

Ripper shook his head. “These herds are apparently native to a  _ fantasy _ biome,” he muttered. “They would not know about scientific concepts like DNA like in the  _ Jurassic Park _ books. Never mind that genealogical testing is itself a very complicated process, requiring multiple different strategies based on Y-chromosomes or mitochondrial DNA.”

Falchion bit back a scornful laugh. “I’ll pretend I understood all of that. In any case, this counts as a  _ double _ charge for making canons know things outside of the wizarding world –  _ and _ having DNA tests in the first place!”

A POV shift to first-person jolted the agents yet again, landing them on their rears.

“The sneople have returned, I believe,” said Ripper.

Indeed, Snek One was now talking to Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey, and Not!Snape. Dumbledore asked about who Snek One was, and her metaphorical dam burst in an instant.

 

> **"My name is Maneerra Ruby Evans Slytherin and yes I know that I am a danger but I can't leave this school." An old man with long white hair looked at me and a twinkle flashed in his eyes before disappearing behind a mask.**
> 
> **"Explain to us then Maneerra. I am rather anxious to know how it was that your a basilisk and a permanent resident of Hogwart's?" Albus Dumbledor said and asked.**
> 
> **"Well it all began over a thousand years ago . . ."**

 

A paper mask appeared over Dumbledore’s face. Ripper turned to Falchion, expecting another outburst, but he was surprised to see him… giggling?!

“Welp, that’s it,” the Skarmory chortled. “I can’t take this fic seriously anymore!”

Before Ripper could respond, the world jolted around them. They ended up sprawled over each other on the floor of what looked like a much more ancient Hogwarts, with a grainy black-and-white 20’s antique film feel to the whole scene.

“A flashback? Definitely a flashback,” Ripper thought aloud.

Falchion checked the Words. “From what Snek One is saying, she originally fell in love with Salazar Slytherin. And then Godric Gryffindor, in a fit of jealousy, pulled a genderbent Athena and cursed her into her current Basilisk form – barring the fact that she could somehow turn into a human in the context of the actual story.”

Ripper snorted loudly. “And is the prophecy mentioned? The one with the King Basilisk a.k.a. Not!Harry?”

“Hmmm… Actually, yes! Hang on just a sec, it’ll be coming in a few lines…”

 

> **_You see the spell that Godric had placed on me was not only a transformation spell but a binding one that forced me to stay in Hogwart's. The only reason Salazar could not find a cure was because the spell was created by Godric and since he had not written it down all hope seem lost._ **
> 
> **_The day that Salazar left for the search he never returned. That day Rowena said a prophecy that I will always remember until this day._ **
> 
> **_'One so strong as you are will find that which you have lost. Once found there will be a great ending to the days of our known lives. It will be a thousand years into the future when a new Dark Lord has come and gone and time of truth will finally be known. All things will once again be set right at the coming of the one true, King Basilisk.'_ **
> 
> **_At first I had not known what she had meant by it. Did she mean that all of this would be resolved more then a thousand years later?_ **

 

Ripper shook his head. “You’d think Godric would be able to reverse it himself,” he said.

“Nope,” Falchion replied with a grim smile. “ _ This _ Godric’s a jealous S.O.B. who has no respect for the welfare of the Hogwarts student body. Oh, and by the way, the Basilisk is born from a chicken’s egg hatched by a toad. You can’t transfigure a person into one of those things! You just  _ can’t! _ ” He burst out laughing in earnest this time.

“Well, that settles it. You’ve officially lost it.”

“Duh!”

 

> **_Days turned into years and soon a entire century passed but I knew then that Salazar had to be gone. I cried then calling out into the night sky for him to hear me. I was surprised however when I saw a great big stag with silver fur and the same eyes as my lost beloved. He took one look at me and we stared at one another. Being a basilisk I thought he would die under my gaze but he did not. In fact he seemed to have a warmth in his eyes that warmed me inside._ **
> 
> **_'Though your beloved may be gone I can grant you something to remind you of him.' With that I felt a curious warmth in my belly. I looked to my belly but saw nothing of interest. When I looked back to where the Silver Stag had stood only empty air remained. It was as if he had not been there at all. Who was the Silver Stag? I didn't know but within a few months I found that I was heavy with eggs._ **

 

“Do Basilisks lay eggs?” asked Ripper.

“They don’t confirm that in canon,” said Falchion. “But one character was said to mistake a packaged carriage clock for a Basilisk egg, so it’s at least plausible. The Silver Stag, though, probably isn’t. Unless you refer to Harry’s Patronus.”

“What’s a Patronus?”

Falchion facepalmed. “Never mind.”

 

> **_I laid five sparkling emerald eggs. Barely eating I warmed the eggs in hopes that they would hatch. One day they finally did._ **
> 
> **_Crack! Crack! The eggs hatched and very young basilisk's were born. Four of them hatched but one of them seemed to be having trouble. One egg wobbled but would not crack open. Delicately I took the egg in my mouth and cracked it slightly so that the child could get out using my help. Setting the egg down I watched as a human arm forced it's way out of the hole I had mad for it. The hole was all it needed before a human popped out of the egg. The child was human?! How? The White Stag!!!_ **

 

Ripper and Falchion both stared at the scene before them, slack-jawed and wide-eyed.

“Is she saying what I think she’s saying?” asked Falchion.

“She said that the child was both a human and a deer. That makes no sense. They aren’t even closely related,” said Ripper.

“This is bad,” said Falchion. “Very, very bad.”

“What do we do?” asked Ripper. “Do we move in now or do we have to wait for the stragglers to become separate from the rest of the herd?”

“The latter,” said Falchion. “The next few chapters contain more charges yet. We can skip the first part of the next one because it’s Ron talking with Dumbledore, but…”

“Does Maneerra appear in the second half?”

The disguised Skarmory made a disgusted expression. “Don’t ever say her name aloud in my presence again. She’s Snek One, plain and simple.”

Ripper sighed in what Falchion could only guess was embarrassment, but didn’t argue. They portaled their way to the second half of Chapter Six, specifically the Owlery where, surprise surprise, Snek Two was still moping.

 

> **With a last resort in mind he thought of a solution. I'll escape from here and live in the Forbidden forest as a Basilisk. Maneerra . . . Wait I can't leave not without her. Even though I don't know much about her I feel I owe it to her because she saved me from herself. I could just go and . . .**
> 
> **'I knew that if I looked hard enough I would find you.' The familiar voice of Maneerra said out loud. With a start he searched everywhere till he saw a head poking in the door. It slowly opened to revealed Maneerra clothed in wizard's attire. She had bags under her eyes as if she had been awake all night.**

 

“And so they meet again,” said Falchion.

“The fic’s dialogue seems more forced by the line,” said Ripper. “And the POV changes too much for comfort.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

 

> **'How did you find me?' Harry couldn't help but ask.**
> 
> **'It's instinct young one that lead me to you and besides who better to find you then your adoptive mother. Now are you going to tell me what in the world bothered you so much that you hid here?' It looks like I have no other choice.**
> 
> **I know your all hungry for chapters and here's one to feast on. Okay maybe the chapter didn't rock your world but I sure am keeping you all in suspense.**

 

The Author’s Note echoed around the group, apparently in Harry’s voice due to it not being marked as such.

“Instinct? More like a plot hole. Or five. Or a million,” Falchion chuckled.

“Do we move in now?” asked Ripper.

Falchion thought about it. “No,” he said. “There’s still three more chapters to go, and the author’s clearly implying that something worse is on its way.”

“Worse? As in the sneople pandemic continuing to spread or the canons’ health…”

“Deteriorating even further? Probably both,” said Falchion, opening up the portal to Chapter Seven. “Whatever the case, you know how the saying goes: We ain’t seen nothing yet!”

 

* * *

 

**Act Three**

  * Soundtrack: [_Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets_ – “Dueling the Basilisk”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzdCDwuPb4g)



 

The agents closed the portal behind them, waiting for the chapter to begin. Falchion wiped his brow and sighed, looking more than a little exhausted.

“How many more chapters do we have to go through?” asked Ripper.

The Skarmory agent checked the Words. “Two or three, depending on when we step in. As always, we need to make sure we have enough charges.”

“If you ask me, this is starting to sound a tad…”

“Repetitive? Yeah, I know. Then again, badfics do that a lot, so I suppose it’s becoming a pattern of sorts.”

The agents found themselves back in Dumbledore’s Office, and after a brief Author’s Note, they saw Ron wearing the Sorting Hat. The fic described how he knew he wouldn’t like the final decision, and then…

**"Slytherin"** cried the hat, at which the canon proceeded to angrily throw it across the room. It hit a bookshelf, causing the books to fly out and attack Ron like birds.

Elsewhere in the office, two disguised maniraptorans felt their jaws drop at the exact same time.

Naturally, Falchion was the first to start talking, or more precisely, sputtering and squawking incoherently.

“I’m guessing that Ron would have no reason to be placed in Slytherin, judging from your reaction,” said Ripper.

“No reason? NO REASON?! Look, Ron is what you get if you take everything about a Slytherin and invert it completely! There is absolutely  _ no  _ way he could fit into the Slytherin house  _ whatsoever! _ ”

“Falchion, shhhh! Do you want to spook the herd?!”

“Right, sorry!”

The agents promptly fell silent as they watched Dumbledore react rather…  _ poorly _ to Ron’s treatment of the Sorting Hat. Specifically, he called the unfortunate canon’s parents into his office via the Floo network, and gave him detention with Snape and McGonagall, confinement in the castle during holidays, and a ban from Hogsmeade.

Ripper caught the scent of smoke again, and pulled out the C-CAD. It sputtered, released a puff of smoke, and managed to show some flickering text on the screen, interspersed with static.

_ [Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbleeeeeed%^&io*^&re. HumaT^&RT Repla^&*% 01001011010010010100110001001100 010101000100100001000101 0101001101010000010000010101001001000101] _

With that, the device shut down. Falchion stared at the reading, completely dumbfounded. However, Ripper’s eyes went wide.

“He’s been replaced too,” the raptor concluded.

“What? How do you know?” asked Falchion.

“The binary reads, ‘KILL THE SPARE’. I think the C-CAD has encountered a fatal exception, which can only mean that Dumbledore’s character has failed to parse correctly in the syntax of the badfic and he is likely beyond saving as well.”

Falchion looked at Ripper in total shock. “Since when did you know your way with technology?”

“You’re forgetting that I was engineered and cultivated by Aperture Science, brother. That’s also how I knew what to send to the DoSAT to reproduce my Tau Cannon with.”

The disguised Steel-type facepalmed. “I totally did. Back on topic, were there any other signs of Dumbledore being replaced?”

“He turned into a Basilisk, for a start.”

“…Oh. Snek Three it is, then.”

“Don’t forget Snek Four. Otherwise known as Not!Snape.”

“How many sneks are we gonna run into by the time we get to the end of this fic?!”

Ripper gave him a Not Amused look. “Must you use Internet lingo in a spoken conversation?”

“Uh… Yes?”

“We should just move in now and prevent any more habitat destruction. I had no idea that Reptilians were so invasive.”

“Sneople, Ripper. Anyway, this chapter was shorter than I thought. Let’s get to Chapter Eight and see if we can collect any more charges. Other than that, well… I can only imagine the look on Rosie’s face if she comes back to our RC to find a Basilisk-skin rug on the floor!”

“You can skin a Basilisk?”

“And use its venom to destroy certain types of dark magical seals. I won’t explain which, because it’s really,  _ really _ spoilery.”

The agents moved into Chapter Eight, which started with a distant scream and the appearance of a  **howling monster of air** . Judging from its thoughts in the Words, Falchion could only guess that it was Voldemort:  **_I will have a new body even if I must face my once demise. He will pay the dearest for what he did to me. Harryyy Potteerrr! I am coming for you and nothing in this world is going to stop me from getting to you and exacting my revenge. Soon . . . soon . . ._ **

Then the scene shifted and sent the agents face-first into… a pile of owl droppings?

“Okay, that settles it,” Falchion grumbled, wiping the grime off his face. “We need to have a birdbath installed when we get back.”

“Agreed,” added Ripper. “So, what is this chapter about?”

“Apparently, it consists primarily of Sneks One and Two talking to each other, so we can ambush them as soon as they drop their guard. The next chapter is only about Snek Two comforting Ron, so we can cut in here without too much trouble.”

“Certainly, but… aren’t we forgetting something?”

Falchion snapped out of his momentary daydreaming gaze. “Yeah?”

“You said that Manee – sorry, Snek One was a replacement, right? What are we supposed to do about Snek  _ Zero? _ ”

Falchion gasped in horror. “Oh,  _ flock! _ I’m so stupid… I didn’t think about that! I’m so sorry, Ripper…”

“Do not blame yourself. The badfic carried us away with too much drama to keep track of specific matters –”

“I know, I know. But how do we neuralyze a Basilisk without getting ourselves killed?"

“Are there memory wiping spells? We can aim at the creature and hope for the best.”

“Huh. Good idea.” Then the disguised Skarmory’s face broke out into a grin. “And come to think of it, I’ve got another one, too.”

“I hope it isn’t suicidal. What is it?”

“You’ll see in a bit. Wands out, bro. It’s go time.”

 

> **"Do you feel up for a story my son?" Harry smiled as he finally comprehended what Maneerra had said. His smile was so wide it reached ear to ear and the light of hope in his eyes shone even brighter.**
> 
> **"I want to hear the story if it's all right with you mom." Maneerra smiled and nodded. Harry snuggled up to her as the story began.**
> 
> **_A thousand years_** –

 

“ _ STUPEFY! _ ” cried two wizards who had suddenly appeared in the Owlery. There was a pair of red flashes, and the replacements collapsed to the ground unconscious.

“Not bad for a first try!” said Falchion.

“Where are we taking them?” asked Ripper.

“Back to the Chamber of Secrets,” the disguised Armor Bird Pokémon replied, opening up a portal. “We’ll also have to snag the other replacements as well. I swear to Arceus, if this works…”

Ripper decided not to pester his partner about what they were going to do. Instead, the two of them hauled the replacements into the Chamber, and headed back through the portal and into the castle.

A few minutes later, two more bodies joined the first two.

Falchion pointed his wand at the replacements, paused, and then gasped in surprise and suddenly handed the notebook full of charges to Ripper. “Hang on, BRB! Gotta grab a thing! Just remember:  _ Rennervate! _ ”

With that, the Skarmory portaled away, leaving a very annoyed and confused Ripper behind.

The redheaded Slytherin looked at the spot where the portal had vanished for several long moments. Then he rubbed his temple, pointing his wand at the pile of imposters. “ _ Rennervate, _ ” he said.

Maneerra, Not!Harry, Not!Dumbledore, and Not!Snape all sat up, befuddled and bedraggled. They all turned to look at a tall, adolescent Asian wizard standing before them.

“What’s going on?!” asked Not!Snape.

“Trust me, if only we knew,” said Ripper. “All right, here goes. By order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, all four of you are hereby convicted of being character replacements on account of far too many charges to list.”

The disguised  _ Deinonychus  _ paused, looking around, and then sighed. “I guess I’m on my own until Falchion obtains whatever he needs,” he muttered. “Anyway, to Dumbledore and Snape, a.k.a. Sneks Three and Four… (sigh) You embarrass me sometimes, brother… Anyway, you two are hereby convicted of the following: impersonating the respective canons of Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape; acting completely OOC; and turning into pseudo-Basilisks thanks to another replacement’s Magic!! 

“Specific charges pertaining to Not!Dumbledore include misunderstanding the canon, namely citing Voldemort as an Animagus even though that is clearly not true; conjuring a paper mask; instating a wholly unnecessary re-sorting, and using said resorting as an excuse to bash the canonical Ron Weasley; and sentencing said canon to six months of detention  _ and _ confinement within the Hogwarts castle due to a  _ minor _ misdemeanor.”

Not!Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak, but Ripper cut him off. “I  _ know,  _ Professor. The Sorting Hat is indeed valuable, and tossing it out of anger  _ would _ be grounds for detention, but really?  _ Six months?  _ And from  _ Dumbledore _ of all people?”

Not!Dumbledore opened and closed his mouth a few times, but couldn’t find a word to say.

“Anyway, moving on,” Ripper continued. “Charges related to Not!Snape include emotionally abusing Draco Malfoy; likewise being considerably nicer to Harry Potter than in canon, notwithstanding the fact that Harry has been replaced as well; and unexplained teleportation.”

“But – apparition –” Not!Snape sputtered.

“From what Falchion told me, you can’t apparate within the school grounds,” Ripper replied. “Sorry. Now, to Harry, a.k.a. Snek Two, you are hereby convicted of the following: Replacing the canonical character of Harry Potter; being turned into a Basilisk by another replacement; somehow being able to convert other people to Basilisks as well; being able to look into people’s eyes without killing them; being supposedly chosen as the king of the Basilisks; angsting almost constantly; and bashing Ron once again, including giving him rabbit’s ears.”

Before Ripper could continue, a portal appeared next to him, and a dark-haired Asian wizard stepped through before closing it. “Sorry ‘bout that! You done?” asked Falchion.

“Almost. There’s still Maneerra left.”

“May I?” the Skarmory asked, taking the notebook from Ripper. “All righty, then! Maneerra, a.k.a. Snek One, you are hereby convicted of the following: Replacing the canonical character of Salazar Slytherin’s Basilisk; converting Harry Potter into a Basilisk, thereby instigating this whole sneople epidemic in the first place; being able to transform into a human form; existing since the founding of Hogwarts and therefore living longer than any human being; being converted into a Basilisk by a vengeful OOC Godric Gryffindor, thus implying that you were once human and that Basilisks can be created via human transfiguration; making  _ everyone _ totally OOC in general; creating a mini-Acromantula; establishing a nonexistent prophecy about a King Basilisk; planning to adopt Snek Two as a child; completely misunderstanding the known information about the  _ Harry Potter  _ continuum; laying eggs that hatched into infants of different species; stripping for the sake of stripping; and just being a horrible person in general despite your supposedly ‘good’ intentions. How would the real Harry have felt if he’d been turned into something like Slytherin’s monster, or worse?!”

“For  _ all _ of these crimes, plus a few more that we cannot care less about, you are sentenced to die,” Ripper finished. “Falchion, I hope whatever you brought will help us here.”

“It will, trust me,” his partner replied, pulling something small out of his robes. “COVER YOUR EYES!”

The replacements all realized what was happening, and all of them transformed at once. Both agents turned away from them, but before the four massive reptiles could strike, Falchion had tossed the small thing behind him. All four “Basilisks” found their worlds consumed by a cornea-shearing light, and they began flailing about, screeching in a disoriented panic.

“A Flash Bomb from the  _ Monster Hunter  _ games,” said Falchion as the two of them ran past the writhing quartet. “Fresh from the Armory. Now, hurry! We don’t have much time!”

The statue of Salazar Slytherin’s face sat at the far end of the Chamber behind a pool of stagnant water. Upon reaching the edge of the pool, Falchion pointed his wand at the statue and cried, “ _ Alohomora _ !”

With a terrible groaning noise, the mouth of the statue slid open, revealing a plot hole behind it. But that noise was nothing to the horrible hissing snarl echoing from within.

Closing his eyes and holding up the mirror for safety purposes (shiny side facing outward), Falchion pointed his wand into the opening and shouted, “ _ Obliviate! _ ” Behind him, the sounds of scales grinding against a cold stone floor grew louder by the second.

Ripper snatched the RA from his partner and opened a portal back to the Great Hall, whisking them through just as the four replacements, who had recovered from the effects of the Flash Bomb, came up and struck at the spot where they had been standing an instant before. Before Maneerra could lash out at it, the portal had closed up, leaving them all to their fate.

The snarl echoed from within the statue once more, catching the replacements’ attention. They all stared into its mouth, and realized that a pair of huge, evil yellow eyes was staring back at them.

Unaffected by the lethal gaze, but terrified all the same, the quartet backed up towards the door, but there was only so much room in the Chamber of Secrets. With a great, terrible scraping sound, an enormous, impossibly long serpent, sheathed in scales of emerald green, emerged from the statue, slithering onto the floor of the Chamber and moving with amazing speed. The replacements now had their tails against the locked door of the Chamber. There was no way out.

The Basilisk of Salazar Slytherin reared up, glaring hatefully at the beings who had imprisoned it, and coiled to strike, its fanged maw opening wide with a ferocious hiss.

The four character replacements had only a second to scream in terror.

 

* * *

 

**Post-Mission**

 

Several hours and a metric crackton of neuralyzations later, the agents finally stepped back into their RC.  Gryphandor the mini-Acromantula promptly scuttled out of Ripper’s bag and onto the floor, whereupon t rex the mini- _ T. rex _ started playing tag with the large spider.

“I wonder if Appleday’s heard of Rosie’s situation yet,” said Falchion, making a beeline towards his bramble nest along with the mini-Omnidroids, mini-Sentinel, and Frankenturret contained within.

“Perhaps,” the raptor replied. “He’s certainly going to be busy, though, considering that he still has to get rid of Ron’s bunny ears. I heard it would take a day or two. And  _ then _ Ron would have to go to FicPsych…”

“Hey, I remember Violet Parr got her leg bitten off because a certain  _ someone _ tried to screw her over, and Medical had her all fixed up in a few weeks.”

Ripper flexed his killing claws. “I thought we agreed never to speak of that again.”

That was when he noticed the small pile of books on the floor. There was also what looked like a book from  _ Minecraft _ , which happened to be open for the  _ Deinonychus _ to read.

 

> To Agents Falchion and Velociripper, RC #227:
> 
>  
> 
> If you two are still alive at the end of today and get this message, I apologize in advance for subjecting you to this badfic. I was the one who analyzed it in the first place, which wasn’t the easiest thing to do given how dangerous the subjects were. I only found out that you two had received the mission after it had been sent Upstairs for distribution, so I thought I’d send you some preliminary reading. I wanted to give it to you in person, but you were already gone by the time I arrived. I can only hope that one of you knows enough about the  _ Harry Potter _ continuum to survive the mission. At any rate, feel free to keep my… ‘condolence prize’, so to speak – I’m sure you’ll find it useful in the months to come!
> 
>  
> 
> Best regards,
> 
> Salvo, Department of Intelligence
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. Sorry to hear about your partner, by the way. You’ll be happy to know that I’ve talked to some of the FicPsych staff members and they say she’ll be back on her feet in a few weeks. Rayner wants you to know that you two are lucky that she hasn’t turned on either of you in light of some recent events. Please, PLEASE make sure it stays this way!

 

“Well, it’s the thought that counts,” said Falchion. “And look, see? I told you she’d be back soon!”

“In a few weeks,” Ripper reminded him. “We may get a few more missions before she is released from FicPsych. We’ll have to learn to survive without her, it seems.”

Falchion looked at the book pile and gasped. “All seven  _ Harry Potter _ books?! No  _ way! _ I spent two weeks running to the Canon Library and back to read up on all of ‘em!”

“They’re not a Basilisk-skin rug, but Rashida would be very pleased to see them all the same. How did this Salvo get all of these?”

“If only I knew. Anyway, I’ll write the mission report. It’s my way of saying thank you for saving my tail back in the Chamber of Secrets. And besides, you need to do a  _ lot _ of reading.”

“Nice to see that you’re playing the role of the alpha for once,” said Ripper.

The Skarmory let out a chirruping laugh. “What can I say?  _ Somebody _ has to do it!”

Ripper picked up the copy of  _ Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone _ in his jaws before nodding to his partner in gratitude. And as Falchion walked over to the console, the ex-Stuvian  _ Deinonychus _ retreated to his lair, exhausted but relieved – and more than eager to open up the very first page.

 

#  **[END]**

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. Okay. Um. I… don’t think I even need to explain anything about this fic that hasn’t been said by my agents already, so… yeah. Sporking this mess was a wild ride from start to finish, I’ll say that much. This fic was written by the same author who wrote the one eatpraylove and I dealt in [this](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WLXsOOT1Lws86Rq4aCS2CI27ROTyn5v5E-roPzUZZ80/edit) mission, by the way.
> 
> Also, I’ll probably be a bit slower writing missions from here on out. I need to readjust my schedule to account for the work hours for a job offer I’m slated to handle this summer. Thanks in advance for your patience, peeps! :)
> 
> – SkarmorySilver
> 
> Rescued minis:
> 
>  _Harry Potter_ (mini-Acromantulas:)  
>  -Gryphandor (adopted by SkarmorySilver)  
> -Dumbledor  
> -Pomphrey


End file.
